Post by Kiva on Jan 26, 2016 19:18:51 GMT -5
Even though I am unsure rather I will actually fall absent or if I will be able to continue posting as usual, I'm going ahead and writing this just in case it ends up being the least favorable of the two and also just as an explanation of what's going on.
A few of you already know this but for those of you who don't, I'm getting a divorce. I can no longer deal with my husband's anger anymore. It terrifies me and I have given him warning after warning. He doesn't know yet because I am terrified of what's going to happen when he finds out. He has pulled his fist back at me more than once while completely sober though, thankfully, has always stopped himself from actually hitting me. I have warned him over and over and over again. I specifically told him after he kept getting pissed off on Thanksgiving that if the anger didn’t stop I was getting a divorce and leaving. I told him long ago to get back on the medicine he used to take for it and he refused because he simply doesn't like medicine. He got FURIOUS over a simple poker chip last month and I do mean furious and that was my final straw. His driving when he's angry is terrifying. Not to mention, the night he proposed, he was so freaking furious and his driving was so erotic that I was shaking from fear and had to force myself not to break down. I'm not going to keep sticking around waiting for him to get drunk and pissed at me and not be able to stop himself from hurting me. I have been clinically diagnosed with depression, anxiety and, ptsd. I can't do the anger. Even my therapist used to tell him that. It's to the point I have suicidal thoughts daily. I've been forcing myself to live behind a mask but I can not do it anymore. I can't do the direction my thoughts are heading. I haven't been suicidal in four or five years. The lawyer we have said it's best to avoid confrontation because of his anger so two of my friends and I are going to get my stuff tomorrow while He's gone away at his training class and then leaving a letter for him to get when he comes home on Friday. I'm just terrified of what he's going to do when he finds out. We can ALL see him being the kind of person who thinks if he can't have me no one can. The lawyer doesn't even want me moving back home for my protection so I'm moving in with a friend and her family so he won't know where I live. Because of all of this, tomorrow is just the start of a long and rough road. My friend's mom and I are still house hunting and am hoping to get into a house within the next couple of weeks. I'm starting to fill out job applications and am hoping to have a new job soon too. I'm also starting therapy again because I know with how Terrified I'm going to be over the next several months that my depression is going to get a lot worse before it gets better. So I'm going to be having to adjust to a new home, new family, new job, therapy, paying bills for the first time, and hopefully continuing with my riding lessons. With all of that going on, I don't know how my muse is going to be or how often I'll be able to post until I get into the swing of things. I'm definitely going to remain active in the cbox and on Telegram though. I appreciate everyone's patience and promise once things smooth out some, I will be more active than ever.
A few of you already know this but for those of you who don't, I'm getting a divorce. I can no longer deal with my husband's anger anymore. It terrifies me and I have given him warning after warning. He doesn't know yet because I am terrified of what's going to happen when he finds out. He has pulled his fist back at me more than once while completely sober though, thankfully, has always stopped himself from actually hitting me. I have warned him over and over and over again. I specifically told him after he kept getting pissed off on Thanksgiving that if the anger didn’t stop I was getting a divorce and leaving. I told him long ago to get back on the medicine he used to take for it and he refused because he simply doesn't like medicine. He got FURIOUS over a simple poker chip last month and I do mean furious and that was my final straw. His driving when he's angry is terrifying. Not to mention, the night he proposed, he was so freaking furious and his driving was so erotic that I was shaking from fear and had to force myself not to break down. I'm not going to keep sticking around waiting for him to get drunk and pissed at me and not be able to stop himself from hurting me. I have been clinically diagnosed with depression, anxiety and, ptsd. I can't do the anger. Even my therapist used to tell him that. It's to the point I have suicidal thoughts daily. I've been forcing myself to live behind a mask but I can not do it anymore. I can't do the direction my thoughts are heading. I haven't been suicidal in four or five years. The lawyer we have said it's best to avoid confrontation because of his anger so two of my friends and I are going to get my stuff tomorrow while He's gone away at his training class and then leaving a letter for him to get when he comes home on Friday. I'm just terrified of what he's going to do when he finds out. We can ALL see him being the kind of person who thinks if he can't have me no one can. The lawyer doesn't even want me moving back home for my protection so I'm moving in with a friend and her family so he won't know where I live. Because of all of this, tomorrow is just the start of a long and rough road. My friend's mom and I are still house hunting and am hoping to get into a house within the next couple of weeks. I'm starting to fill out job applications and am hoping to have a new job soon too. I'm also starting therapy again because I know with how Terrified I'm going to be over the next several months that my depression is going to get a lot worse before it gets better. So I'm going to be having to adjust to a new home, new family, new job, therapy, paying bills for the first time, and hopefully continuing with my riding lessons. With all of that going on, I don't know how my muse is going to be or how often I'll be able to post until I get into the swing of things. I'm definitely going to remain active in the cbox and on Telegram though. I appreciate everyone's patience and promise once things smooth out some, I will be more active than ever.