Opheliac

[kadhi]

[atrb=cellSpacing,0,true][atrb=cellPadding,0,false][atrb=border,1,true][atrb=width,475,true][atrb=background,http://i228.photobucket.com/albums/ee114/MorningFever/Anikira/KadhiTable.png,true] you know how hard it can be to keep believing in me when everything and everyone becomes my enemy and when there's nothing more you can do I'm gonna blame it on you it's not the way I wanna be i only know that in the end you will see it's the Opheliac in me... It's strange the way life works. You can try to ignore the worst of it, turn a blind eye to the bad stuff. It's not enough though. It's never enough. Life is Hell, simple as that. The bad is destined to always outweigh the good. And there's certainly no escaping it, that's for sure. Even the eternal optimist knows how to bleed. Chances are they're the ones the hurt the most. Overly happy; overly confident. The ones that only ever see the good in life. Chances are, they're the ones that live shrouded in darkness. They're ones that know life's true horrors. They are the ones suffocating at the hands of their own misery. It's because they think they can bottle it up. The misery, that is... They think they can carry their own crosses without any help. They let no one know how deeply the suffer. And then, when no one's looking, the smile fades and they break. They shatter into a million tiny pieces, tumble into oblivion, and sink further into madness. Then they pick themselves up, dust themselves off, and paint that fake little smile back on their lips, pretending everything's just fine despite continuing to slip further and further into a never ending madness. Kadhi pressed onwards in such a manner. Of course, he was never much of an optimist. There was no denying how good his life had always been, however. No denying that beneath his cocky, angry exterior beat the heart of someone who'd been truly happy. He'd had everything. Friendship. Family. Others who'd loved and cared about him despite his personality faults. And he'd gone and walked away from it all. "Only a coward walks away from the ones who love them. You may deny it now, but you are tied here whether you like it or not. Nothing will ever be the same, but I won't be the one to leave my family behind when they need me the most." The voice of the pup bounced around in his head, haunting him. Maybe Jay was right. Maybe the Arabian was as much of a coward as he'd claimed Xinelil to be. So what? Right now he just couldn't stay. He couldn't put his family through that. No. He downright refused to put his family through that! Ever since joining Aldgar the small statured brute had grown up a lot. For the first time in his life he was putting others before himself. He would not let his pack-mates watch him sink into oblivion with little hope of clawing his way back. It was for their own good that he'd left. He would not drag them down with him. A shiver wracked his body, forcing him to stop and look around. He'd traveled far from the Oriens. Too far maybe. Or had he not gone far enough? Tall mountains loomed over him, their peaks blanked in snow and hugged tightly by the clouds. The seemed to call him, beckon him forwards, welcome him into their chilly embrace. What was it with the Arabian and mountains? The winter wonderland couldn't be farther from his breed suitability. And yet, they were the place he'd decided to call home. They were where the Aldgar resided. They were where he'd wandered in an attempt to escape his misery. Amber orbs traveled up the rock face, comparing this new land with the one he was so familiar with. It was completely different. And yet, Tia'deli was almost too much like Kinath. Kadhi tore his eyes away, forcing himself to stare down at his paws. He was lost, alone, confused. He didn't know what to do any more. He was hungry with no will to hunt; tired with no will to sleep. Actually, sleeping was the last thing he wanted to do right now. Sleeping would bring back the nightmares, the images, the memories. He was sick of this whole damn mess. He was sick of seeing Xinelil's corpse every time he closed his eyes. But he couldn't help it. The Arabian had become an Opheliac. cause I'm broken when I'm lonesome and I don't feel right when you're gone away

---

ooc: Opheliac - noun meaning one who has delved into madness
lyric credit: (links to songs in titles)
Opheliac by Emilie Autumn-
Broken by Seether featuring Amy Lee-

[jiminiminy]

The rain was like no other before it, drops became spears of water being cast down from the heavens with such a force that it could fell a small elk. The wind was a living being, winding through each stone hill like a massive snake, constricting slowly into the valleys with a terrible noise that deafened one to all but itself. And the clouds...the clouds were like the apocalypse. Their thickness was absolute, it was shortly past midday, but their mass blocked out all signs of light, of the sun. It was the artificial twilight brought on by the wrath of the gods themselves. Each passing moment grew more intense, the stones themselves shaking in awe of the power sent into their foundations.

Siscarm watched passively as one of the ancient trees in the valley was felled by the shrieking arrivial of lightning. From his vantage point, he watched several humans scramble to retrieve their
logging equipment. They were filthy beasts. He would prefer if the tree had stayed and one of them had fallen.

"Siscarm. Get away from there. You'll be hurt by the storm."

Siscarm stirred slightly from his standing, taking the world back into focus. The spray of water sprinkled against his face, the wind flattened his ears back against his head. He squinted as lightning struck again, this time being attracted to a rather large object being held by one of the scrambling people. It fell to the ground and it's friends fled from the scene. He smirked and turned back to his patient mate, who was at the moment resting a few feet behind him, at the back of the shallow cave. She was tired, and her dirty brown fur was in disarray from previous travels. Small stone chips and a gracious amount of dirt was caught in her bristly pelt pervasively, and her belly was beginning to form a slight bit of a bump. Siscarm knew why, she thought that he didn't. Her eyes, violet as a flower, were fondly regarding her partner, though she was showing some difficulty in keeping her head up.

At the moment, Siscarm couldn't think of anything more beautiful in the world.

"It is really quite amazing Aiettia...It is as if Anikira himself is trying to reclaim the lost land, chasing off the invaders."

A second flash of lightening illuminated the small space, causing them both to wince. Though he was tempted to go to her, Siscarm continued looking out into the wilderness. This was not just for him to watch, the pack that used to inhabit this land had been invaded by some sort of new species of canine, standing much taller and with strange pelts. The old inhabitants had become reclusive, preparing to kill any trespassers. The new were prepared to kill any squatters. And so, Siscarm watched calmly, if not attentively. Besides, the oak that had rooted itself above them sheltered him from the rain, and the brute stated these points and more.

"Fine then. I'll come over there."

There was a third flash, but the sound was instantaneous, in unison to the massive sensory input. There was second noise that followed suit, a lot less loud, considerably more lethal. The cracking of wood; of Oak. Aiettia was already standing, halfway to his position. The roots trembled, the entrance began to collapse under the kinetic energy, regardless of whether there was someone there to feel it or not. Time seemed to slow drastically, adrenaline shot from his heart in an instant. He didn't even think about anything even remotely about his own safety. All he wanted was to save his mate, his children.

Siscarm yelled, throwing his body forward with no coordination other than basic aim. He struck Aiettia with a very basic force, sending her skidding back across the wet stone, Siscarm taking her place near the entrance. The cracking climaxed, the tree's upper branches took a more downward approach. It tipped inwards, thicker pieces of wood entering the tiny cave. This was an oak tree, hardwood. The spiraled arms would be sharp and brittle, wholly capable of impaling skin and crushing bone. It closed onto his position, and Siscarm backed against Aiettia, protecting her shaken form. It was truly unfortunate that he would never see his pups. Or his mate. Or the sun rise, or the tide come in, or the trees wave in the wind. The things that seemed so mundane would be the things that he would miss most.

Truly unfortunate.

"IJA



Siscarm woke up in a start. The light shone through a thin mist that seemed to have followed him from the river, coating everything and everyone once more. The world around him was completely silent, only his own laboured breaths and the gently tapping of dripping water disturbed the peace. His head drifted from side to side, surveying the area. It was empty, he was alone, the only place that was not of an uninteresting stone shade was where he was directly laying down. Where he was the stone had been stained a deep crimson, though it was barely visible through the accumulated dirt. There had once been blood here. It had pooled in the slight depression that his head currently rested in. This he knew for a fact.

The elder exited the cave. Oh yeah. That was why he didn't like this place.

Siscarm stared down into the valley. Where there had once stood a mighty forest filled with a massive verity of trees and plants was now a mockery of what it used to be. Where there had been loggers there was now a lone wolf. Actually was rather odd and somewhat interesting, compared to the monotony of loggers all that time ago. Shoring up his curiosity was the fact that this wolf was smaller than most, as well as having a natural colour to him, which meant he was not an inhabitant, rather an interloper.

Hm. That looked like the headstrong one; Kadhi. Most interesting.

Siscarm took a few steps downward, keeping his eye on the Arabian. These were not the towering peaks of the Kinath, many of the mountains were only half the size of the smallest in that range, but the small on was present nonetheless. Perhaps he had gotten lost on a scouting mission, returning to the wrong range by mistake. Either way, it was worth investigating. As he spoke, the elder's voice was carried down the remaining mountain face with ease. Even a deaf wolf should be able to hear it.

"Hail, Coistrel Kadhi, emissary of the pack Aldgar! Might I ask why one such as yourself is wandering a land such as this?"

Siscarm peered at the wolf, about ten vertical feet between them, twenty if he walked. He looked fatigued beyond relief, hungry from continued movement. It was plainly a forced march from wherever he had originated from, but from where and for what reason was yet to be known.

coistrel: 1. a knight's attendant or man-at-arms; a knave

[kadhi]

[atrb=cellSpacing,0,true][atrb=cellPadding,0,false][atrb=border,1,true][atrb=width,475,true][atrb=background,http://i228.photobucket.com/albums/ee114/MorningFever/Anikira/KadhiTable.png,true] Anything but safe when at full mental capacity, Kadhi in this broken state practically made him a sitting duck. Paw-steps crunched old mountain dirt, sending small pebbles cascading down the rockface. Any alert wolf would have known a stranger was afoot. The Arabian, however, could only hear the pulsing of his blood within his veins. The outside noises could not penetrate his think skull, mind too self absorbed to notice anything out of the norm. Then again, it was he who was currently outside the norm. Maybe it was others who should have been noticing him. The elder's voice floated down on the wind, strong and echoing as it swirled within the vortex of the younger brute's thoughts. He could hear the sound, but his brain refused to process it. The words were faded into background static, their message lost. They were potent enough to draw Kadhi's attention though. His name had been called, the only discernible morpheme he'd picked up on. Twisting his head slightly, his gaze dropped until it eventually landed on the aging figure of Siscarm. Like his hearing, Kadhi's vision was slightly off as well. Though he looked at the elder brute, he did not see him. It was almost as if he were looking through the familiar figure. Glazed amber orbs focused on where paws met ledge, raising no higher to observe whatever odd look he was most likely receiving. Not like he really cared, of course. Let the Tundra judge him. It didn't matter. Nothing mattered. Humans could crawl from the cracks in the earth and lug him off to some zoo and the small brute wouldn't bother to put up a fight. It was as if the world had ended. In a way, his world had. Breathing deeply, he tried to force some sort of sound from out of his oral cavity. A strangled "eh" made itself known, though formed no tangible though. He blinked. For a moment he continued to just stand there. Then, he tried again. This time a single word made itself known. "What?" His voice was raspy and horse, as if it hadn't been used in a while. Yet, at the same time it still held all his hate and hurt, bitter tone turning the question flat. Kadhi was broken, from his appearance to his very soul. What he needed was someone to force him to pick up the pieces.

[jiminiminy]

Siscarm sighed.

He did so before the small Arabian talked, though that alone would have given him reason to had he not done so previous. The more that he noted about Kadhi's appearance and demeanor, the more that Siscarm's mind began drawing to conclusions. Based on his haggard look, the younger brute had clearly traveled this distance in a sort of forced march, and considering the wolves he had departed from likely had no knowledge of the indigenous pack, this was not a mission of urgent diplomacy. Clearly if he was not running to something, he was running from something, and if he was ready to travel the greatest distance that the continent allotted, then he was running from something causing great despair or of great danger. If he was running so far so fast, then he might even have been followed by it, and that was something that Siscarm found himself reluctant to deal with. It was something inevitable though, on this small of a landmass, there were things that couldn't be escaped by running.

"Just...Just wait there...I'll come down."

He turned away from the sight line, once more obscured from the vision of the smaller brute. Siscarm could just leave on his own terms, escape involvement in whatever Kadhi was caught in, but some things can't be ignored by running. The elder knew that from experience. Less than a minute after reaffirming his decision, Siscarm had descended to his listener's level using one of the many trails in the craggy area.

From his new position, Siscarm eyed the brute that stood before him. His coat was filthy, his body was thin...well, thinner... and his eyes and ears lacked focus. It was amazing he hadn't been ambushed by some kind of predator that prowled the regions in the north, although the former two likely could be attributed as 'unappetizing' him as a potential meal. The elder found it interesting that he was even able to get this far without collapsing, but more interesting that he had chosen a place such as this for a potential homeland. Siscarm had always wondered about his reasons of joining Aldgar, but perhaps the Arabian had more of an affinity for the mountains than he let on. Or at least a preference for the food. But that was all presumptuous, if he wanted any truth, the elder would have to form some inquiries.

"Now then, I am assuming you can hear me now?" Siscarm's tone was not a very kind one, he masked his curiosity using an irritated note. Whatever his meaning while saying it, the question was clearly a rhetorical one, and the brute continued without waiting for a response. "Good. Now. I previously asked why you, Coistrel Kadhi, Hunter of the Aldgar Pack, were wandering the lands here, the Tia'Deli of Shyia, both alone and quite apparently in some form of distress through a place you are neither prepared nor suited for. While I can now realize that your knowledge of the region is not to the point where you were aware of the joint packlands you trespass in, I am now wondering why, exactly, you are so far from your home, as well as what, specifically, you are so obviously distressed about."

If Kadhi was not going to be like himself, then it was up to Siscarm to do so.

[kadhi]

[atrb=cellSpacing,0,true][atrb=cellPadding,0,false][atrb=border,1,true][atrb=width,475,true][atrb=background,http://i228.photobucket.com/albums/ee114/MorningFever/Anikira/KadhiTable.png,true] Eyes drifted closed in a slow blink, only to reopen to a startling image. Kadhi yelped in shock and stumbled backwards a few steps as suddenly Siscarm stood before him instead of atop the mountain. Wildly his amber orbs roamed the form of the elder, demanding to know where he'd come from as they screamed their protest to his sudden proximity. Didn't the elder know it was rude to sneak up on others? Of course, Kadhi had been given fair warning. He'd just not heeded it and now he was paying the price. Shakily he attempted to regain what little composure he still possessed. His body was visibly trembling as he forced his legs to hold his frail weight. The voice of the elder assaulted his ears, every word cutting him to the very core. The Arabian could only stand there, slightly slackjawed, as he was expected to answer so many complicated questions delivered in such a complex manner. Presently his brain could barely distinguish the difference between night and day. Now he was expected to hold an intelligent conversation? Pssh. His blood boiled within his veins as, unprovoked, he lashed out at the brute. "You talk too much!" he snapped irritably, shaking his head ferociously. His entire being thrashed back and force, as if he were trying to purge some demonic spirit from his body. Failing to accomplish anything more than further disorienting himself however, he soon settled down and fixed a glassy gaze upon Siscarm. What was it exactly that he had just been asked? Did it even matter, really? His body quivered again, though this time it was due to an unexpected blast of winter air. If he did not snap back to his senses soon, Nature would most likely claim his life. Not that he really cared, of course. Right now he was so disillusioned that he didn't even realize he was now speaking his thoughts aloud. Why would he bother to be concerned with whether or not he lived through tomorrow? "Bastard's dead. I have no home..."

[jiminiminy]

(A thousand apologies; December is always a veritable gauntlet for me. )

It began to snow.

Siscarm stared down the mangy little Arabian that stood before him, and found that his patience was beginning to wear more than a little thin. Kadhi had not exactly been the harbinger of higher intellect before, but now he was walking along in a foreign land without even a single shred of though devoted to his senses. The elder could remember humans, of all things, being more aware of their surroundings than this fool was in whatever state he'd seen fit to induce upon himself. Did the former pack member even know of the changing weather, the slowly shifting seasons? If he didn't, then it seemed wholly probable that he wouldn't last more than a few hours longer than he already had. Then again, however long the smaller brute's expectant existence had been reduced to, it was certainly a great bit longer than what Siscarm's patience had been whittled down to.

The elder made a gravelly sound in his throat, one that soon evolved into an irritated growl. He did not like repeating himself, and the Arabian's previous responses spoke little for anything he might have to say in the future. "I am disturbed by the quantity of your present inadequacies, Coistrel Kadhi." Siscarm entirely shifted his tone, taking up bitterness as a starting point. As Kadhi kept himself moving as if afflicted with a demonic possession, Siscarm was near motionless, keeping his eyes directly rooted on Kadhi, maintaining persistent contact between them both. "Now, I understand that you may be more than a little affected by whatever it is sent you here, but you'll find that I care very little for your persistent ignorance!." S

Siscarm was yelling now, a rather rare occurence.

"Twice now I have asked you a simple question that, through your present condition or deep rooted stupidity, you have been unable to answer, or even fully understand!" A short blast of frigid winter breath weaved beneath his pelt, shifting his whole boy with its directional strength. Once more Siscarm was reminded of the thin brute's mortality and fragility in the present terrain. All the more reason to continue. "I will not bother with requesting an answer any further, but I find myself wondering what in the hell you even considered was even the tiniest bit intelligent of your little flight. Did you stop thinking? Is that why you didn't hear me? Wandering a foreign land without even using the basic instinct of listening? I swear that... if I... you..."

While his mind persisted in a rage-fueled stream of thought, the continual usage of his voice at such a high volume was far too much for his body. Without any further warning, Siscarm collapsed as his lungs burned with the fire of the past. His breath was short, and his eyes strained with the rest of his body to stay conscious, to stay alive. Though his body was weak and fought to stay functioning, his legs became fully rigid, and he simply stood, his head fallen down, as he struggled to take every breath, trying his best to ignore the sheer pain that life seemed destined to inflict upon him. But, though it seemed impossible, the attack passed, just as it had in times before. And, unlike his afflicted friend before him, his ears still worked, his senses still caught the subtle hints, as well as the not so subtle ones. When his breathing subsided from its previous intensity, the elder wasted no time in continuing where he left off, though on a different interrogative note than before.

"Who is it that has died? Tell me this. And tell me how the death of one can send you across a continent."

[kadhi]

[atrb=cellSpacing,0,true][atrb=cellPadding,0,false][atrb=border,1,true][atrb=width,475,true][atrb=background,http://i228.photobucket.com/albums/ee114/MorningFever/Anikira/KadhiTable.png,true] A soft snow danced on the breeze, cascading down from the heavens to turn the earth into a winter canvas. The flakes dusted his pelt, melting in seconds as they dampened short strands of fur without actually soaking them. Normally Kadhi would have cursed such happenings, retreating to the first warm place he could find in order to wait out the cold. As it was, his entire being was presently numb. Though he could feel the bite of the cold, it did not bother him. He could have been suffering hypothermia and not have known, too lost to oblivion to take stock of his physical state. The elder's words continued to fall upon deaf ears. The Arabian stood there, staring vacantly as he was chewed out. But then something in the quality of Siscarm's voice changed. It was no longer just annoyance that was assaulting the small brute. He was being yelled at, burned by a rage from one of the most patient beings that walked this continent. Surely the elder had seen a thousand horrors, spoke with a wisdom only earned from a hard life. Kadhi, however, had been faced with his first eyeopening situation. His life had always been gumdrops and rainbows, filled with easy obstacles and generally good. For the first time in his life he'd seen darkness for what it truly was. And, he hadn't been able to handle it. The first time's the hardest, after all, cutting into soft flesh and drawing new blood. The brute had no tolerance for such pain and heartache. He was struggling to adapt and failing miserably. His entire sense of self was gone. Sure, when or even if he snapped back to reality he would be stronger than ever. Right now it was impossible to determine if Kadhi would even live through this ordeal. He had put so much physical strain on his body that the chance for permanent damage was high. With winter in full swing, there was nary a place he could go to recover. The desert was an option maybe, but the journey there was just as long and treacherous as the trip home would be. He wasn't even sure he wanted to travel any more. Still, the alter in Siscarm's tone of voice seemed to have an affect on the idiot that stood before the Tundra brute. Kadhi coiled into himself, withdrawing as if he'd just been flogged. His eyes fixated upon his paws, refusing to make contact with his interrogator. Though he was not processing the words, the emotion was still there. It was proof that Kadhi was still there, someplace, buried deep within himself. It was just unknown what would drag his old self back to the surface. As the final question met his ears, however, he forced himself to look up. Tears glistened in his eyes as he looked up at Siscarm helplessly. His soul pleaded to be rescued. Yet, was there anything anyone could do for him? He just felt so broken, so helpless. He wanted his life to go back to the way it was, back to the time when evil wasn't blocking out the sun. He wanted his friend back, his family, his home. He wanted the control that he would never posess. Vacant eyes bore into those of the elder as he monotonously answered the final question. "Xinelil." Kadhi then sunk to the ground, laying his atop his paws as he let the snow slowly begin to bury him. That one word had spoken volumes. The death of his alpha had been the death of himself. Wrath had only taken his friend. It was his own damn fault he'd lost everything else. Kadhi was a pathetic excuse of a wolf and he knew it. He also currently believed there was nothing he could do to change it. The brute was floating in limbo, too alive to be dead yet too dead to be alive. He needed something to shock him back to life, something to restore to him the courage and pride that had been stripped away by his own ego. The question was, what was potent enough to be the something he needed so desperately?

[jiminiminy]

Siscarm was not an ignorant wolf, he had remarkably specific experience with putting himself in another's shoes. While hearing the news of Xinelil's death did little to affect his mind, more or less unchanged by the news, his mind quickly snapped up Kadhi's thoughts. For the notably afflicted Arabian, he had just lost a mentor, a leader, and basically his only definitive friend that hadn't been pushed away through his own ignorance and mistrust. As if in some sort of defense mechanism, he had isolated himself from any possibility of consistent aid, or even whatever social contacts he'd managed to accumulate, and instead of trying to sort himself out he appeared content to just walk until he died in a hole. In short, the ignorant brute had let a single event ruin his entire life and scar his mind to some degree of permanence, and through no fault but his own.

Siscarm thought back to his own losses through life. His sister, Blair, before he was even two years of age. His family, his pack, his home, before he'd even been able to take a mate. He hadn't lost his sense of self, forced himself on a death march. He hadn't felt the way Kadhi did now. Siscarm thought back to his mate, this same landscape. He'd lost his only sense of love, his only chance at a happy future, his health, his endurance, and nearly his life. Kadhi had all of these things, and he gave them up for nothing. Kadhi had taken all his futures and deliberately thrown it away. What Siscarm had given his whole life to gain, what had been torn from him without any kind of compassion, had been cast aside like rubbish by the ignorant brute who stood before him.

Siscarm felt a searing feeling stir deep within the primal sections of his mind and body. An uncomfortable and unfamiliar warmth spread through his being without restraint, tensing his muscles and sharpening his senses. It had been a long time since this feeling had been tempted forward. Irritation was one thing, this deep set hatred was a whole other.

The elder looked at the Arabian. He was lying on the ground, apparently trying to bury himself by letting the snow fall on his body, to a mixed effect. The fact that Kadhi's pelt was far closer to his body than the Tundra's was meant that the falling snow was close enough to his body to still be melted, whereas Siscarm was slowly being covered with the frozen stuff, turning his pelt white more as time passed. His face showed no emotion, it ceased any further readings in that regard. His voice was plain, devoid of significant tone, but laced with the slightest hint of a detached lethality.

"Get up."

Kadhi, unsurprisingly, made no movement, following the past trend of blatant ignorance in regards to the elder's words. Inside his head, the burning sensation flared for a moment at this insurrection, and it took quite a bit of mental effort to keep himself composed. However, Siscarm still felt the need to repeat himself, and though his anger was drawn up a notch, his voice registered no effect.

"Get up."

He waited a few seconds for any sort of response, quietly boiling inwards at his gradually increasing wrath. Kadhi had everything and threw it away. Siscarm's mind repeated this to him, then again, and again, and again... I worked for everything and lost it all. His feet were well conditioned for the snow travel, and his movements lost any sort of age or clumsiness. His body moved fluidly, every motion was equal and measured, and not a single sound came from the newly fallen snow.

The pain he inflicts now is by his own will.

Siscarm didn't skip a beat when his trek ended at Kadhi's side, standing a fair distance above where the Arabian's head lay. In a rather odd manner of events, the elder closed his teeth around the loose scruff of Kadhi's neck, pulling him off the ground like a feline would her kittens. Though Kadhi was entirely dead weight, the small brute was a third the mass of the elder on a good day, more like a quarter after half-starving himself on this benign journey. While he dragged the brute up, Siscarm made sure that his teeth bit a little harder than necessary just before he let go. Maybe a little blood on his neck would keep him focused.

There is no cure for pain.

"Get up."

Siscarm said this almost to mock Kadhi, though his emotionless tone made no sort of indication as to the malicious nature of the comment. Even so, Kadhi still held his head down. Siscarm didn't bother telling him to do anything about it; anything he said in the future could just be assumed to have been unheard. Working his muzzle beneath Kadhi's, the elder maneuvered in such a manner that he forced the Arabian's head upwards.

"Now stay there."

Pain is not like an illness.

Siscarm backed up a little, looking directly at Kadhi the whole time, trying his best to remain eye contact, fearing that if it was lost, then the brute would just collapse on the ground again, and make them go through the whole ordeal again. Siscarm would rather not waste whatever little time Kadhi had to potentially save himself.

It can only be made to be ignored by the afflicted.

"Now. Kadhi. I am going to say one thing before I begin. I am going to tell you to listen. This is not an option, there is no choice not to. I swear to whatever god feels like listening that I will tear your eyes out and lead you back to the pack blind if you ignore a single word I am about to say."

One must introduce a new pain to outdo the old.

Siscarm did not waver for even a moment. He was not making a threat when he spoke, he was stating a fact, and something that he knew was an inevitability if they were forced down that road. His words came as measured as his movements were, each one perfectly articulate and definitive, which was far more dangerous than any other manner in which he could have spoken.

One must obscure the original in the shadow of the greater new, so that they will know nothing but.

"Now, Kadhi, I think it's time for a story.

We begin nearly nine and one half years ago, across a river not too far from here, with the birthing of a litter of three. There was the first, a strong male who would grow up to be an intelligent and willing leader, then the second, a fair haired femme, who would grow to be beautiful and just as fair in speech. Then there was the third, a weak, shivering runt, who grew up in last place and was mocked by the pack. This was not a bad thing, for the runt did not want to be involved with the packs, and being alone taught him many things about how to survive on oneself, while his siblings learned how to manipulate and survive off the others. The runt was forced to work his hardest every day to measure up to even a fraction of what his brother and sister were doing, and was mocked for his efforts all the while.

"We go a year and a half in the future. The runt is not yet of age, not are his siblings, but their futures have been secured. His sister will be arranged to be mated with the son of an alpha, and his brother is training to be the next in line for hunters, with the chief set in his sights. They did not work for their accomplishments, the pack arranged both to be beneficial for themselves the most. The runt worked harder than either of them did simply for survival, and was scolded for not living up to his family's name. Then, while seeking a new meal, the runt was sole witness to a disagreement between his sister and a foreign brute, which soon escalated into a scuffle, in which the runt tried to save his sister, though ultimately failed.

"When he returned to the pack, his story was not believed, for they had loved his sister and scorned him, and in their sorrow they turned to the only one apparent. The runt, despite working for all his life to gain a meager existence, was cast away from the lands as a result of his good acts. He was deemed an exile, and named as such. He lost his pack, his family, his credibility, his safety, and very nearly his life.

"Three years later and four years ago that runt wandered a land populated by terrified packs and lethal creatures named Sapius, a place that was little more than a few hundred meters from here. He had begun his work again, he had chosen a beautiful mate and was soon to be a new father. The constant work had built his body into what one might even consider 'average', and knew his jobs well enough to provide for what was to be his new family. Though he had lost his old life, he had worked hard and gained a new one. During a storm, he was almost killed from falling debris, and upon awaking found that the few things he had worked for were now gone, and had taken many more aspects of his life with them. As well as his mate, his children, the runt lost his health, for a good time his sight, his welcome in the north lands, and again, very nearly his life.

This did not stop him. He continued the work, still trying to cultivate what was left of his life, to let it grow and flourish. Though he had terrible things thrust upon him more than once in his life, he did not relent to the pressures of doubt, he did not toss away the seeds of a new life, even though he had every right and opportunity to give up."

Siscarm was wearing himself out. Though his anger was still present, it had stagnated, which was the idea from the beginning, but left nothing but a hollowness behind in its wake, leaving its vessel drained and frail by comparison. He wanted nothing more than to return to the confines of sleep and rest his aching limbs, but there was more important business to attend to, and the elder was no amateur to continuing through discomfort. Though he continued, his air of impartiality was beginning to show cracks of weariness and unwillingness.

"Now Kadhi, you have lost a friend and a mentor. I understand this and feel compassion. But the time of mourning is passed, the effects can only harm you for as long as you are willing to let them. At the moment you have thrown away the possibility of a new life, but the seeds are not destroyed, merely discarded. You need to be capable of perseverance, and have the will to do so without thinking of the terrors the might be hiding around the next corner..."

There was more to say, to be sure, but neither of them had the patience nor the time to listen to the thoughts of an elder for hours on end. Siscarm needed to get moving and Kadhi needed to too, if he was to survive. If anything, he needed to wrap things up, which was convenient, because he knew just how.

"...I seem to recall I time long ago, coistrel Kadhi, when you were ready to eagerly bound up a mountain, wholly oblivious to the hazards that may well have taken your life, simply because of your own optimism and self-confidence. You were happy then. Not because of who was there, or what you were doing, but just because you were moving, you were working. I plead to this Kadhi, if he is still there, to return to us, so that we may continue the journey forward and not simply nurse the injuries found along the way."

...and do so quickly, before you freeze to death...

Siscarm chose not to add that last part.

[kadhi]

[atrb=cellSpacing,0,true][atrb=cellPadding,0,false][atrb=border,1,true][atrb=width,475,true][atrb=background,http://i228.photobucket.com/albums/ee114/MorningFever/Anikira/KadhiTable.png,true] "Get up." The words floated down to him, forcing their way into his mind where they violently fought against his brain. It had been a command, a reason to force his muscles into action. And yet, once again the brute blindly resisted. He lay there limply, snow chilling him to the core as it melted upon impact with his body. Why should he listen to the elder? Why should he listen to anyone period? There was nothing left for him. Life was cruel and short. Why not let his own end before he really had a chance to live it? All that was left to encounter was more heartache. Things couldn't possibly ever get better. Kadhi saw no plausible way that better fortune could ever await him in the future. The command came a second time, and still the Arabian refused to acknowledge the Tundra. He didn't so much as look up as the other dared approach him. Swiftly and silently, it was mere moments until Siscarm toward above his frail form. Teeth closed around the fat of his neck, yanking him upwards despite great resistance. A growl rolled out of his throat as pain shot through him, radiating out from where Siscarm's incisors dared to puncture him. All senses seemed to focus on the stabbing sensation, a sharp clarity suddenly residing in his mind as this new, physical pain distracted him from the ache of the mental one. This time, as the command again found itself resonating within the recesses of his mind, he was able to keep his feet gathered beneath him. He'd been picked up and now he was standing on his own, even if he'd been forced there against his will and had only managed to remain there. Head hung low, he forced himself to focus on only two things. The first was the dull pain that had been caused by the elder, its fading burn removing what little resolve he'd just found. The second was his will to remain standing. His legs were trembling beneath his frail weight; it took every ounce of strength he had left to keep himself up. As long as he could focus on the physicality of things, his mental hell was slightly easier to deal with. Suddenly, Kadhi's chin was forced up and his eyes locked upon Siscarm's own. The small male stared up at the elder, gaze desperate as he was trapped within some sort of magnetic pull. Auds twitched as they curled in on themselves, flinching away from yet another command. His entire being was shaking from a mixture of the raw emotions that surged through him and the chilly winter air that would soon be the death of him. In this moment, he was terrified completely. Before he'd been angry, bitter, sorry. He'd felt pathetic, as if he had nothing to live for. Now he was more scared than he'd ever been in his entire life. Now he was terrified of what would happen to him; he was afraid of death. Kadhi had never before been afraid of death. At least, never on a conscious level. He'd always done what he wanted, when he wanted, reguardless of how anyone dared to judge him. His life had been greatly sheltered by the love of his parents, his world black and white with no great horrors. For the first time he'd seen what it really meant to live. He now knew the horrors that his family had tried to protect him from. The protective bubble he'd been living in for so long was now popped, and the consequences were astronomical. He'd never before experienced such heartache, such fear, such pain. Everything he'd known had been dissolved, leaving him nothing more than a child in a cruel world. At four and a half years of age, the brute had never really grown up. Now he was being forced to at speeds incomprehensible. For the first time, it was all finally sinking in to his stubborn brain. Anything he did could result in death. Defying Siscarm could result in death. Hell, continuing to breath the harsh winter air that stung at his lungs would most likely result in death. Like a child caught red handed for the first time, he stood and listened silently. He was afraid of what might happen to him if he did not. His life was at stake. If he continued to be disobedient, he would be dead. He had to behave, had to listen. Kadhi didn't really want to die. He'd just... His life was half over and in those short years he'd learned he hadn't really been living. What good was life if all he ever did was take if for granted? What worth did his life have if he didn't make something of himself? For four and a half years he'd been nothing more but a tiny speck on a giant planet. Now his mind was swirling, pounding, begging him to do something he'd never done before. It was telling him to listen, comprehend, understand. He had to think; had to take time to make sense of the information that was being thrown at him. He had to man up and face what he'd been harbored from for so long. He had to act like an adult. The tale of the runt was long and sad, the story of a wolf very unlike himself. This foolish hero... He'd lived nothing like the Arabian had. From the start everything had been taken away. He was allowed no happiness. He was forbidden from living in any place but a world of darkness. Desperately he'd tried to cling to a world determined to shun him. Desperately he'd tried to build his kingdom despite great enemies wanting only to tear him down. Desperately he'd tried to live his life instead of letting it slip away in years of haunting misery. Kadhi's own life had been nothing like that; Kadhi's own life had been charmed. The fragile creature had always lived in the light, kept safe by a father that enabled his protective mother. He'd never truly been alone. He'd never had a chance to stand on his own. His life until now had been nothing but a fantasy. He would always have others to catch him when he fell. If his journeys hadn't worked out, he would have eventually found himself home again. The prodigal son, welcomed with love no matter how grave his sins. But instead of finding home, he'd found Aldgar. Like it or not, he'd built friendships and earned acceptance. He'd created a new home, with new family to catch him when he fell. Unfortunately, he had failed to return the favor. When his family had fallen, he'd idly stood by and watched with empty eyes. He did not help them! Instead, he ran. He ran as far from home as his body would let him. He left them to die as he sought his own means to join them in the afterlife A bitter chuckle bounced off the mountain sides as he closed his eyes, head lowering as he severed whatever force had held him in place for so long. The elder pleaded with him, begged for his old soul to return. That Kadhi was dead, however, long buried and even longer forgotten. That Kadhi had died the minute he'd been given responsibility within the ranks of Aldgar. The Kadhi that stood now was another Kadhi, a different Kadhi. This Kadhi had bore the brunt of responsibility and let it crush him beneath its great weight. This Kadhi was dying. Soon it would join the first, buried and left to be forgotten. Taking a deep breath, the Arabian reveled in the bite of the winter wind. Adrenaline pumped through his veins, igniting a fire within him that dared to warm him against the snow. It'd been so long since he'd felt alive. This was different though. He wasn't just living. For the first time, his life had purpose. Kadhi had real, genuine, tangible purpose. The cogs of his brain, though dusty and filled with cobwebs, were finally beginning to spin. He was thinking, dwelling, understanding things for the first time. A sleeping giant had been awoken within the small statured brute. Kadhi had grown up. Slowly, amber eyes revealed themselves beneath two battered lids. His head began to elevate, as if pulled up by the steady crank of a chain. For the first time in many long weeks, two large ears stood proudly atop his skull. From between his legs unfurled the wispy bush that was his tail, it too held with pride he'd thought stripped away by the death of Xinelil. A furious gaze locked itself upon Siscarm, dancing with a fire that hadn't been seen since he'd charged his first mountain. His blood ran hot, and he honestly liked it. If the old beast was going to lecture him then fine. Kadhi wouldn't let him off scot free though. It had never been in his nature to take advice with a grain of salt. No longer vapid, he suddenly spoke with a clarity greater than all he'd had in his entire life. "One lil' problem with yer anti-fairytale," he barked with determination. "I'm not some worthless runt. I'm not you." How he'd managed to put two and two together was remarkable. The old Kadhis would have completely overlooked the familiarity with which the elder had spoken. The old Kadhis would not have pieced the timeline together. But, this one had. This Kadhi had actually listened. This Kadhi had paid attention. This Kadhi refused to take those he trusted for granted. "I... I... I'm a... uh... damnit! I'm not you! I was the only onea my siblin's to survive. My parents nevuh let me see bad. I did what I did 'cause they were always freakin' suffocatin' me. Never outta their sight. Not allowed to do nuthin'. How am I supposed to do anythin' if no one gives me a damn frickin' chance? I couldn't even look after my pack. My family. So why don'tcha tell me what hell I'm not supposed to do insteada what the hell you did? And get me outta this damn cold! I f***in' hate the cold." It probably wasn't the sort of response the elder had been looking for, but it was a start. Kadhi had listened and retained information. He'd thought more in that short amount of time than he most likely had in his entire life. And, he was asking for help. He was actually asking for help. The Arabian was sick of being the screw up. He didn't want to be the weakest link. He wanted to learn. He wanted to succeed where he had already failed once. Twice? Thrice? He'd let Jay kill a femme. He'd let Xinelil die. He'd walked away from everything that had ever meant something to him. Kadhi didn't want to do such foolish things anymore. He wanted to do right by his family. He wanted to repair the damage he'd caused. He wanted a second chance that he refused to screw up this time. Finally he had been able to accept all of his short comings. He shoved the past to the past, exactly where it belonged. He would let go of everything if it meant starting over. He would throw away everything if it meant he would one day return to reclaim it all. He would rescind the crown now if it meant he could turn himself into someone fitting of such an embellishment. For the first time in his life he was actively seeking a change for the better. His integrity had not changed. He still acted because he wanted to act. It had been modified, however, bettered, improved. He was no longer doing things to satisfy only himself. Kadhi wanted to do things that benefited his loved ones, because letting them down again would completely destroy his self-esteem.