Restless

[Deleted]

[atrb=cellSpacing,0,true][atrb=cellPadding,0,false][atrb=border,0,true][atrb=width,450,true][atrb=background,http://i37.tinypic.com/2efs55l.jpg,true] Denali lay curled within Salen's dens, the perfect example of a horrible mother. Of her three children, she knew none of their whereabouts. Her mate was... someplace. Maybe he was with the pups. She didn't know that either. The worst part was, she didn't exactly care. At least they were all old enough to be left on their own for short periods of time. She was glad to have everyone out of her fur, to have a bit of alone time if only for a few brief moments. She wasn't mentally prepared to be a mother, or a mate, or remain in one place for such a long time. Fear was overwhelming her and right now she needed an escape. Unfortunately, that was easier said than done for the floppy eared Tundra. She may not have enjoyed being chained to Salen or thrust into its alpha position (especially since half the time she did not behave like Salen's alphess), but what lay outside the territory of Acerbus terrified her even more. That wretched demon was still out there someplace; so long as she retained some semblance of her sanity she did not want to meet with him again. Thus, Denali was forced to find solitude in one of the few places she knew she could get it. She'd tucked herself away in Exodus's quarters, face buried beneath her paws as she tried to block out the outside world. Panic had been gnawing at her for the longest time. It told her to flee, that she was getting too close to the alpha and his pack. And her children... They would be better off without a mother whose grip on reality was fractured. The last thing she wanted to do was accidentally harm one of them when in one of her low moods. She'd never be able to forgive herself. And yet she stayed. The panic was easily overcome by intense paranoia for what lurked outside her new found homeland. Her fear of Atreyu was worse than her fear of her own family. Self-preservation had always been her strongest instinct; it was why she often separated herself from others. To leave would put both her physical and mental well-being in grave danger. At least if she stayed only her mental health was problematic. Her mind was always slipping away from her. To lose her mind and her body again, however, was equivalent to losing her life. A suffering moan reverberated in her larynx, her posture shifting slightly as she tried to get comfortable. Her entire body felt jittery, the need for escape overwhelming. As a means of calming herself down she focused on her breathing, silently counting every inhalation and exhalation that passed her lips. It wasn't really working, but the counting at least managed to distract her thoughts by forcing them to focus. She didn't want to think about what would happen when her peace and quiet was disturbed. For now she simply wanted to just be.

[mikko]

[hope you don't mind]

Yawning Mikko shook her head and sighed as she laid among the rocks the sun beating down on her. Stretching her legs out she took another yawn and turned herself onto her back and moved her head from side to side as she tried to get rid of the itch that had just decided to spring on to her head. Growling she turned back onto her side, sat up and attempted to get it with her back paw but to no avail. Getting up she walked up to one of the rocks and used its rough edge to get the scratch; giving her relief from the annoyingly placed itch.

Life had been rather dull for her; the pups were now at a stage that they didn't need supervision and she hadn't seen some of the pack in a while... even Akela had been out and about on her own adventures. She had left for a while to visit her family; it had taken a while to locate them, her kind were quite shy in nature so searching for them had been quite a challenge and part of her wished she hadn't gone. Her father had passed away and her mother was all alone. She had however been surprised to discover that she had another brother and sister; so although her journey had brought sadness at least there was some goodness that surrounded it.

Still feeling drowsy she decided to head into the dens hoping for some comfort in her nap. As she got in the smelt the fresh scent of Denali her alphess. Standing at the entrance she was unsure how to proceed. Denali was a good and kind wolf and she enjoyed her company; but at the same time she held some bitterness towards the wolf. She had grown fond of Exodus and cared for him deeply and to have Denali chosen to be his mate had hurt her; true Exodus didn't know about her feelings but it still hurt. But could she really blame Denali for how Exodus felt? Denali was a beautiful wolf and had had a tough life from what she'd heard; the last thing she needed was for her to cause her more problems. "Denali?"

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[atrb=cellSpacing,0,true][atrb=cellPadding,0,false][atrb=border,0,true][atrb=width,450,true][atrb=background,http://i37.tinypic.com/2efs55l.jpg,true] The sound of her own name made her startle. Eyes popping open, her head jerked up as her paws scrambled beneath her, haphazardly trying to support her as she attempted to sit up much too quickly. Wild panic clouded her vision, the steady tempo of her breathing lost to the rise and fall of shallow gasping. Her body had been so keyed up to begin with that this slight disturbance of her peace had sent her over the edge. Fear crept into every fiber of her being. Whimpering, she searched harder than she needed to to find the source of the sound. Denali's amber eyes lighted upon Mikko, fear morphing her expression into that of a deer caught in headlights. Only when she recognized the familiar face did she begin to calm down. Tall ear pulling back to lay flat against her skull, again she began to count her breaths. Embarrassment was heating her cheeks. Thankfully her creamy white fur kept the pink glow from being obvious. The Tundra female still felt foolish though. She was supposed to be the alphess and yet here she was getting frightened by one of her subordinates. Struggling to keep her voice under control, she forced a small smile. "Oh, Mikko. You started me, eh heh." It was hard to miss the nervous chuckle. Fear was still the most prominent expression in her eyes despite her attempts to get her emotions under control. Sitting a little taller, she let her good ear rise while the other remained flopped against her head. She tried to appear friendly, open, but it was hard. Every muscle in her body was tensed. If she had been restless before, now she was down right ready to bolt. She couldn't though. Once again the chains weighed down on her. She had to remain here and play the part of the pretty little alphess, devoted mate, and loving mother. If only fear wasn't clawing her apart from the inside out.

[mikko]

Finally spotting Denali she walked towards her, her tail lowered in respect for her alphess. She hadn't meant to startle Denali and she felt guilty that she had; life was probably tough being an alphess and being a mother could wear you out; she knew that better then most. "Sorry I didn't mean to startle you; If I had known you were asleep I wouldn't have called you." Settling herself down at a comfortable and respectful place away from Denali she let out another yawn and shook her head. She could remember her own days as a mother and remembered how stressful it could be and how worn out she had been after each and every day. But alas those days had ended as quickly as they had come and as was common in her species her pups had died leaving her filled with guilt and grief. Denali was so lucky to have three beautiful and healthy pupsand even though she was jealous of her alphess she was happy that Denali had something so joyous in her life.

The fear that was in Denali's eyes was almost heartbreaking; the alphess had such a hard burden to carry and she was probably embarrassed by what had happened. Her ears fell back on her head and she looked down at the ground; scratching it with her paw as an awkward silence filled the mines. What was she supposed to say? What should she do? Part of her felt like she should leave and come back later leaving Denali to her rest; but at the same time she felt as if she should stay, perhaps spending some more time with Denali would fix the problems she felt she had. Then again, if she were to reveal her feelings Exodus may not be too happy about it and the last thing she wanted was to get on his bad side. "How is motherhood treating you?" Starting it off sweet and simple; nothing too complex or in depth; just two femmes talking about the best thing that life could bring.

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[atrb=cellSpacing,0,true][atrb=cellPadding,0,false][atrb=border,0,true][atrb=width,450,true][atrb=background,http://i37.tinypic.com/2efs55l.jpg,true] Mikko replied; Denali held her tongue. She knew better than to say more than she had to right now. She would only end up saying something she regretted. There was too much tension, too much stress, and too much fear consuming her every fiber. The filter between her brain and her mouth was quickly deteriorating, thoughts changing too rapidly in panic to give her time to check them over. And what was that age old saying? "If you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all?" Considering right now the only thing she wanted to do was scream and flee and run, holding her tongue was for the best. She could think of nothing nice to say while the other female made herself comfortable, further trapping the Tundra in the tiny little den space. How could she duck out if her pack mate was expecting conversation? The silence that lay between them was tense. It was her own fault, she knew. The socially awkward female had been caught off guard by surprise (something she hated with a burning passion). Now her mind was refusing to catch up to her body's response and the only thing she could process was that there was someone else in the room. She felt horrible claustrophobic right now, as if the walls were closing in on her. What she needed was fresh and freedom, a chance to get away from it all for a while. But she couldn't leave. Obligation had her pinned and trapped in the same manner as Atreyu. She was trapped and helpless and every minute she stayed was breaking her in two but running would only make it worse! She was in limbo, floating, somewhere between security and hell, and her panic only worsened when Mikko again spoke. Motherhood? Denali couldn't hold in her scoff. She absolutely hated being a mother, despised having three delicate lives depend on her for security. Her eyes darkened with the anguish that tormented her. It was motherhood that had her trapped her (at least in part). It was motherhood that had turned her into exactly who she'd tried to avoid becoming all of her life. It was motherhood that was ruining her! Before she realized what she was saying, the words were already blurted out. "Do you want them? Take them!" There was a panicked rush to them, voice quiet and desperate as she looked at the Tasmanian Tiger wolf with wild amber eyes. "I don't - I don't - I can't..." She could barely form a single thought as one simple question shattered her composure. Some alpha she was turning out to be. She couldn't even talk to this other female without completely being split in two. With a soft whimper she let her body fall to the ground, face buried beneath her paws as she acted like the horrible mother she was.

[mikko]

Her eyes were getting heavier and she could feel herself starting to fall asleep; the whole reason she had come into the den was to be able to get a restful sleep, but something seemed to be bothering her alphess and despite her dislike for the wolf she wanted to console her and put whatever was on her mind to rest. But even she felt that such a task was difficult when Denali didn't say anything; she was as silent as the grave and Mikko shifted uncomfortably in her spot as the silence continued. She would never say this out loud but in all honesty her alphess was a little... odd and it often made her curious as to why Exodus would choose her. But such thoughts if ever voiced could be mistaken as treason and she wouldn't want that; she didn't have any ideas of ill intent towards Denali; she just wished she was in her position.

However she soon felt herself getting angry and more bitter then usual when Denali scoffed at the idea of motherhood; just what was she trying to suggest? Being a mother was the greatest gift in the world and she would give anything to have her pups alive. When Denali spoke a shocked and angry snarl escaped Mikko's lips, how could Denali be so... cold. Did she not realise what a gift she had? Did Exodus even know that his beloved Denali felt like this? She felt so angry that she couldn't contain herself and she looked at her alphess with cold and dark eyes. "How could you even suggest such a thing. What kind of a mother are you?!" Denali began to break down in front of her and Mikko's ear flattened as she began to feel guilty for what she had said and how she had acted, but she needed Denali to realise what she had done. "My pups are dead, have you any idea what i'd do to have three beautiful and healthy pups like you have?" Mikko looked at the ground, a lump in her throat as the memory of that terrible day when her pups breathed their last. She could still see their stiff and motionless bodies whenever she closed her eyes; it was an image that often haunted her and one she had to fight every day. "If you want help then I'll be here for you, but don't be so heartless and think of giving away such a precious gifts."

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[atrb=cellSpacing,0,true][atrb=cellPadding,0,false][atrb=border,0,true][atrb=width,450,true][atrb=background,http://i37.tinypic.com/2efs55l.jpg,true] The accusations of the Tasmanian Tiger-Wolf stung with truths Denali had long ago accepted. She wasn't a mother, never had been and never would have been if she'd could have helped it. Those instincts had been obliterated a long time ago. The warm caress of her own mother had been replaced by the cold hands of humans and aging only helped the destruction they'd caused. She was better fit to slay her own young than she was to raise them, and that was only because there was a good deal of time she spent not in control of her own actions. But there was one point Mikko was wrong about. Denali was not heartless. She was far from it, actually. If she was heartless, none of this would have hurt so much. Her own rage wouldn't have boiled to the surface if she hadn't already been so close to breaking. Anger only bred more anger. Her fragile emotional state fed off of Mikko's own hostility. Before she was completely aware of what she was doing, the Tundra female was up on her paws and pacing frantically about the room. Her eyes blazed with liquid amber as the claustrophobia came back full force. And then she turned and advanced towards the other female, expression blazing with a mixture of anger, fear, and anxiety. "I'm not a mother!" she practically spat, staring hard at the smaller wolf. Denali had never really been one to throw her weight around. Then again, it was clear she wasn't currently in her right state of mind. If she was pushed much father then the hallucinations would start, and the fear of her vision slowly clouding over only drover her further off the deep end. "I'm not a mother!" she cried again, this time pulling away and turning her back completely on her company. The Tundra began to pace back and force, lost to the ravings of her mind. Mikko's presence slipped away as her thoughts spun out of control, the emotions overtaking her and tossing her about like a ship in a storm. The words that now fell from her mouth were soft and rapid, never meant to be heard by another but too loud to be ignored. Denali had cracked; her secrets were spilling out faster than the damn could be plugged. "I'm not a mother..." This time it was little more than a whisper. "I didn't want this, any of this! I didn't want him, them! Neither of them! But now I have one and the other haunts me and good lord I want to get out of here! But I can't, I can't, I can't... Because he's out there. And I don't want him to touch me. Not again, not again. And I so don't deserve him! No, I'm not good enough for him, I'm not good for him. I'm going to hurt him. I'm going to hurt him so much. But I can't stay! But I have to stay! But I don't want to stay! But if I leave then he'll find me and I can't face him, them, either of them! I don't want them! He hurt me and I'll hurt him! And the pups! I don't want to hurt the pups! I'm no good for them, no good at all. I don't, I can't! I don't..." It was hard to tell who she was referring to given the excessive amount of masculine pronouns, but it was clear that two figures haunted her every breath. The light within her had gone out, and as she turned dead eyes upon her pack-mate, another truth slipped out. "I don't even know who their father is."