Before I Go (Roka)

[Kegan]

The night sky, though largely covered by trees, was still enough to captivate the yellow eyes of a nearly-full-grown wolf seated beneath it. His large head was craned back at an incredibly uncomfortable angle, but it was the only way he knew to see those beautiful blazing pieces of amazement that he felt connected to. Kegan had always loved to look at the sky, no matter what it looked like; but seeing the stars burning above him was an altogether different experience.

Tonight was unlike any night he had ever had, however, for tonight was when he would say goodbye to his mother and splash carelessly into the sea, headed toward Vor'asa and the trials that awaited him at the Agoge. As a Kairos youth, it was his responsibility to prove himself--and as a male, he was required to participate in the ritual of the warriors in order to bring protection to the rest of the pack.

But he was nervous, at least on the inside. Having grown up as quickly as he could, Kegan was still very much a pup inside of his mind, and had only recently learned to exude more confidence and calmness on the surface. Beneath his fascinated face, the poor thing was in turmoil, torn between taking on a seemingly impossible task and disappointing his mother. The Agoge was simple in concept, but incredibly difficult in reality, and before he left, the pup needed to speak to someone.

As the thought crossed his mind, and familiar and warm scent drifted across his upturned nose, and Kegan whipped his neck back down and to the left, an ivory grin spreading across his muzzle despite not seeing his mother quite yet. "Mom?" he called quietly, tail thumping happily upon the ground. "That's you, right?"

Words || 306 (eww)
Tags || Roka
Notes || < 333

[Roka]

Roka was making her way to the caverns, her adopted children still holed up within. She allowed Balthazar and Cimeries to come and go as they pleased as long as they promised to remain near the dens during they daytime. All of her other children were rapidly getting to old to even be called children anymore. Taranis and Liadan had already said their goodbyes and would be on Vor'asa any day now. Rhys would soon leave and that only left her one pup to say farewell too. Roka had been proud that her children were so grown up, leading the way for the next wave of pups that would participate in the Agoge. They would do well and discover their destiny. The thought of saying goodbye to Kegan however, left her with a thorn in her heart. She knew that he would do just as well as his brothers and sister, but he was the one that Roka didn't want to see go. Her sweet little boy, who had sat between her paws gazing at the sky so long ago. Now he was too big to snuggle into her chest. While her other pups had spent their time playing and rough housing, Kegan had always been so peaceful. Thoughtful almost, so much like his mother.



It didn't take long for Roka to pick up his scent, her heart almost aching at the thought of what came next. He would be saying goodbye to her like all the rest, the last of her little pups making the journey to adulthood. He came in to view just as she heard his voice call out to her. She wasted no time making her way over to him, her paws swift over the soft foliage. Roka's muzzle brushed against his and she rumbled deep in her chest. Here they were under the stars about to say goodbye for the first time. A wave of emotion seemed to crash against her as she let out a shuddered breath. "Are you ready for the Agoge my sweet boy?" Her voice was rough and she didn't understand why she was having such a rough time. She had managed to be level headed with her last three children, but not with Kegan. She loved all of her children equally and each in their own way, but for whatever reason this last goodbye was rapidly becoming the hardest one. "You must be excited for the journey ahead." Before he knew it she was draping her head over his neck, trying to pull him as close as she could manage. "You will stay safe and come home to your mama. Don't make me miss you any longer than I have to." The burning of tears was fighting it's way into her eyes. The urge to cry rapidly over taking her. She hadn't cried in so many years yet her determination to blink the tears away was failing her. Her breathing getting a little ragged. How she would manage the coming weeks she had no idea. Not only were her children leaving but her mate would go with them. Then she would be alone to manage Balthazar and Cimeries for the weeks or months until they returned. Everything was about to change.

Kegan

[Kegan]

At the sight of his wonderful mother, Kegan's bright face become, somehow, brighter. She lifted his mood in an instant, making him forget immediately about the coming stress of the Agoge, replacing it with the love he felt for her. When Roka brushed her muzzle against his own, the young wolf very nearly purred at her, nuzzling the side of her face affectionately. When she pulled away to speak to him, Kegan could tell there was something not quite right, but he couldn't put his paw on it. Roka seemed... upset maybe? Worried? It was hard to tell, for she hid her feelings well.

He answered her rough-sounding words with his still-adolescent ones. "I'm not sure. But I guess I have to go, right?" he said, forcing an awkward chuckle out as his own joy over seeing her crushed slowly under the weight of what was coming. His face fell slightly, but in light of her own struggle, he kept as much of a smile as he could on his lips, hoping to help her cope with his leaving. "I'll be okay. Liadan will make sure I don't get too comfortable, Taranis and Rhys will laugh at me until I get it done, it'll be great." Though the family was close and they all did care about each other, Kegan often felt like the joke of his siblings, mostly because of how much he needed attention and love compared to the rest. But at least he kept them all together and mocking him.

Roka's comforting weight on his neck caused his genuine smile to return, though she could not see it, and the boy scooted forward, pushing the top of his large head directly into her chest. He was larger than her now, but she would never see a day when he would not accept her embrace as readily as anything. The two had bonded in their similarities, and the thought of leaving her, even for a few weeks, started to tear at his insides as they sat in silence. It was as though a part of his was on fire, the feeling spreading throughout his limbs and causing him to screw up his face in pain.

More words, then, and Kegan felt his heart nearly break. Roka would miss him, and there was nothing either of them could do. The Agoge was something he was expected to do, and while he was off training and becoming an adult, his poor mother would sit alone with her adopted children and await the return of the rest of her family. He shuddered at the thought of her pining after him, Taranis, Liadan, and Rhys, even Sabaoth, for he knew his mother loved their father more than anything.

"I promise, mother," he said, his voice very soft, and very sad. "I'll run the whole time, and I won't stop for anything. I wish I didn't have to go..." A small sob cracked his train of thought, and Kegan buried his brown eyes in the light fur of his mother's chest, muffling the sad sounds he was making. The feelings had taken over for now, and he could do nothing as he suffered his first true, aching pain, terrified of the thought of leaving his mother for as long as he would be.

It took several moments, but the young male was able to compose himself at last, pulling away only enough to untangle himself from his mother's neck and look into her eyes, holding more pain than he could imagine. "What happens when I come back?" he asked quietly, hoping he wouldn't dissolve into tears again. "Will things be different?"

Words || 635
Tags || Roka
Notes || Ugh I hate this SO MUCH

[Roka]

Kegan seemed to be as upset as she was at his impending departure. The fact of the matter was that he would have to leave her sooner than she liked, participating in the Agoge. The only way that he could get around the ceremony was if he decided that he was destined to leave Kairos. Either way Roka would have to watch him leave the shores of Ina'mos, although one would be a permanent departure. She would rather lose him for the months the Agoge would take rather than forever. Her place was here in Kairos with her mate and her children even though she knew that not all of them would choose to stay. Each of her brood would have to choose their own path to follow. "Yes you do have to go and even though I will miss you I know that you are going to do great things. You will learn so much and grow into a strong male." Roka knew that his older siblings liked to pick on Kegan, but she also knew that he had the makings of something so great within him. When he returned it would be in triumph and no doubt with the respect of those who teased him. Roka blinked away the last of her tears, trying her best to remain as strong as she could be in this moment. Her sadness would only make Kegan more miserable in his departure, something that she really didn't want. The Agoge was meant to be a learning experience that would help the pups grow up to be better warriors, not to be a thorn in their side. She wanted Kegan to grow and learn and succeed in this time of his life. Soon he would be an adult, his days as her baby numbered.

"I know that you would rather be here, but go to Vor'asa and learn. The whole experience will do nothing but benefit you as you get older. Even though I will be here missing you don't regret the journey. In fact try to enjoy it." His questioned made Roka think about what would happen when her pups all returned. Of course things would be different once they got back. Not only would they be adults, responsible for new duties and the protection of the pack, they would also have new siblings on the island. They would be mature, perhaps even too mature for their mother's love. "Things will no doubt be different when you get back. Life is always moving forward and changing but I can promise you one thing that will never change. You will always be my son and I will always love you. No matter what." Her voice was thick with emotion and she rubbed her muzzle against his once more. There would be mentors in the Agoge that would try to toughen him up and break him away from his sensitivity. They would see his feeling as a weakness, but Roka would not let the snuff it out. He would be as strong as any other Kairosi youth and she would be here waiting for him to prove it to them all. "I couldn't be more proud of you my little star. I will look to the skies each night and the stars above will remind me of you."

Kegan

[Kegan]

As he sat there, pressed partially against his mother, Kegan could not help but think of all the things he felt he did wrong. He was not ambitious like Liadan, or brave like his brothers; he did not go out of his way to learn how to fight, and focused instead on learning his surroundings, and anything he could about the sky. It was, in his mind, a fault that he was so curious about different things, and his siblings never let him think otherwise. But Roka... she was different. She embraced his need for attention from her, and his desire to learn about the stars and the trees. She was the only one who encouraged him to ask questions, and always gave him the answers he wanted.

"I don't know if I can enjoy learning what the Agoge is meant to teach," he said quietly, casting his eyes first downward, then up toward the sky, full of brilliant dots of light that were, to Kegan, infinitely better than anything on earth--aside from his mother, of course. "No one else wants to know about the things I know, they just want to learn to hunt and fight and defend Kairos... but there are so many warriors already. Do we really need any more?" It was a foolish question, he knew, but he had to ask; Kairos was teeming with capable males (and some females) ready, itching to fight, and it seemed silly that he would be forced to travel the same path when he didn't think he could help.

"Isn't there another job for me? Something else I can do for the Emperor, for my family?" he asked with his neck craned, unable to make eye contact with Roka for fear of breaking down again. He intended to spend as much of this night with her as possible, the Agoge be damned. He could swim there in the morning, after he was ready--or at least as ready as he was going to be. "I love you, momma... but I'm not ready to go yet. I don't know if I'll ever be ready. But I'll try."

As she rubbed her muzzle against his again, Kegan let out a soft noise reminiscent of a purr, something he had done since he was little; and when she called him her little star, his heart broke even as a smile spread across his lips. Roka believed in him, she knew that he could do anything that was expected of him, and yet he was much less confident than he should have been. Perhaps it would come in time, or maybe he never would truly feel up to the tasks he needed to do, but he would do as he was expected to. It would not be from lack of action that he would bring dishonor to Kairos, though it was very likely that he would fail at a task that most other wolves could handle. He only hoped it would not change Roka's opinion of him.

Words || 534
Tags || Roka
Notes || My poor insecure baby AhhhhHHHH

[Roka]

Hearing the doubt in her son's voice almost broke Roka. She knew that this whole Agoge process would be the hardest thing that her children would ever have to endure in their lives so far. Knowing that they had to face that hardship on her own almost made her cry out. Roka prided herself on being a good mother, taking care of her children and raising them the way she had never been raised. The ideals of Kairos were things that she was still trying to get used to and right now she really hated them. Kegan was so intelligent and innovative that she feared his gift would be buried in all of the physical training. "This Agoge is suppose to help you discover your fate. I have no idea what it will hold for you, but I have faith that it will teach you all that you need to know." Whether he learned how to fight, hunt, strategize, or even just learn itself he would do his best. "Your fate might not be that of a warrior. You must be open to whatever your destiny has in store for you." Roka didn't care what future her son had before him, for she would be proud of him as long as he was happy. She had loved him from the moment she had watched him come into the world and she would love him until the end. He had nothing to prove to her, she already knew that he would make her prouder than any mother could ever be. "I believe in you Kegan. Don't ever doubt you are capable of accomplishing everything you want. I have enough faith for both of us."

His words of love made Roka rumble deep within her chest. Their time together was quickly drawing to a close and it was all meant to be. Kegan would leave the island soon enough and she would have to let him go, just as the mothers before her had, and the mothers after her would also do. "I love you too, sweetheart. All you can do is your best, and I know that you will do great. After all you have your momma's blood in your veins." If he was anything like her he would do just fine on his own. Her tongue snaked out to lick the fur on his shoulder down in an action meant to soothe both of them. "What would you like to do before you leave. We can watch the stars if you would like." It had been far too long since she had allowed herself to get lost in their cold light.

Kegan

[Kegan]

As she spoke, Kegan chose to let her gruff and soothing voice lull him, his brown eyes half-closed in happiness as they sat embracing each other. Though his brothers were giants, he had grown only slightly larger than his mother, and it seemed ideal for the cuddle they now found themselves in. True, it had been much easier when he was a pup, but there was still comfort to be had, and he would never be afraid to show his mother this affection. Roka loved all of her children, as well as their father, but Kegan felt that he had bonded more closely with her than the others, mostly due to his skittish and fearful nature--but if that meant he could have moments like this, he didn't mind in the least.

When she mentioned that his fate might not be to become a warrior, Kegan was snapped out of his reverie and twitched his head away to look at her, his eyes wide and a smile slowly growing on his adolescent face. "I might not need to be a warrior?" he said eagerly, his tail wagging frantically back in forth at the thought of doing literally anything but fighting. "What other jobs are there? Could I stay here with you for one of them, or will the Emperor send me away? When do we find out?" His mood shifted dramatically with her simple statement, the future looking brighter and less bleak as he contemplated the possibilities.

Doing something in the dens with his mother would be ideal; it was not the way of Kairos to have male hunters, as there were precious few things for the females to do then, but there weren't any, as far as he knew. He wouldn't mind going out and providing for family, if he could become a more experienced hunter. Beyond that, he simply had no idea what jobs there were in a pack, as his experiences were only with his little family and, very briefly, Datura--but she had gone, Kegan heard, and she had not been very nice to him either.

When he listened again, Kegan was touched by his mother's faith in him. She believed he could be something, do something, important, and he was positive that she was the only one--besides, perhaps, his father, but the young wolf had been putting off talking privately with him. He was terrified that Sabaoth would see his faults, point them out, and mock him just as the other pups did. The fear was a bigger motivator than the possibility that he was wrong, and had kept him distanced from his father since the day he found out that Saba existed.

Roka mentioned stars, and Kegan instinctively lifted his thick muzzle to the sky, blocked partially by the trees but clear where he could see through the leaves. "We should go to the beach and look! We can see way more out there," he said excitedly, extricating himself from his mother and bouncing up and down before her, his energy as infallible as ever. Fearful though he was, Kegan was still a pup, and it showed. As he danced, he crept further and further away from his mother, and suddenly he was crouched down, a wicked smile on his face. "Race you there!" He called hurriedly, before he wheeled around on his paws and darted off toward the shore.

Words || 596
Tags || Roka
Notes || We can end here or keep going if you like, I'm good either way. (:

[Roka]

The light that filled Kegan's voice that the realization that he wouldn't need to be a warrior was almost comical. It was obvious that he was desperate to find another role for himself. There were many ways that Kegan could eventually serve his Emperor and his pack, but he would need to finish his Agoge first. It would sharpen his skills so that when he did decide the occupation he wanted he would be ready. Roka had no doubt that whatever he did choose he would excel at. "One step at a time little star. First you will go and finish the Agoge, and then we will worry about what job you shall have." Whatever he did decide on he would need a mentor to teach him even after the Agoge was finished. Roka's lips twitched as her son worried over Typhon taking him away from her. "If Emperor Typhon even tries to take you away he will have to get through me." Her laugh was a short deep burst that didn't often surface around others. Her family was different though. She would always be free to be herself with her own flesh and blood. All of the pain and suffering of her life had been worth it for now she was happy with her family.

When Kegan's muzzle turned to the sky soo did hers, taking in the beauty of the stars. Ever since she had lost the sight in her eye it had been a challenge making out all of the different patterns as she once had. Sometimes she wanted to be able to see with both eyes more than anything, wishing that her scars had healed fully. Though not a vain creature by nature it hadn't escaped her notice how pretty Sabaoth's new consort was. Perhaps that was why he had sought out another because while she had so many amiable qualities, beauty was not one of them. It was something out of her grasp and she wanted so badly to be able to accept it. Instead she kept her emotions locked away and hid the true essence of herself from most. One of the reasons she had taken such a liking to Sabaoth was because he was just as damaged as she was. Where others might see physical imperfections she only saw strength, his brutal visage only made him more physically appealing to her. Sighing she shook those errant thoughts from her brain trying to focus on Kegan. These were their last moments together before he left and she was determined to make the most of them.

When he suggested they head to the beach she agreed that it would be easier for them to see the stars with no trees blocking their view. For him at least. No matter where they sat she would only see them through one eye forever. Before she could say anything else her son had taken off towards the shores of the little island. He was younger than her and of course larger which gave him an obvious advantage. Determined as ever though she took off after her son, trying her best to keep pace with him. By the time they reached the beach Roka was a little disgruntled with how out of shape she had become. Raising two litters of pups was effectively taking it's toll. If she ever wanted to get back to her role as huntress she would have to work a little harder to stay in shape. Kegan had beat her to their destination, but only by a length or two. Sitting in the sand she waited for her son to join her. He had been right, the stars shining even brighter here than by the caverns. The clear sky made them almost magnified in their radiance. "The stars will be the same wherever you go. I will watch them from here and you can watch them from Vor'asa and it will be like we are watching them together."

Kegan